You're "Too Aggressive, Tough, Direct"

TL;DR: One strategy with examples for dealing with feedback that you're too aggressive.

My Linkedin "Ask Me Anything" Thursdays always bring in thought provoking questions. I think you'll resonate with the one about the common feedback and double standard, "she's too aggressive."

QUESTION:

I am a fairly direct person ; of course not rude or arrogant but I like to keep things simple and honest/ clear for professional or personal life .And English is not my first language, I have learnt and developed over the years since I came to Aus 19 years ago .

Now, in my job I get lots of positive feedback about my communication style, how I run my team and get outcome etc. However there has been couple of comments in 2023 about “my communication style “ . Like mainly around how I am perceived as “very direct and tough person“ and these comments came from people who don’t work with me directly or daily basis .

I don’t care as such, but from career / growth perspectives I was wondering - do you recommend any kind of training or book to help me soften up my style I guess without losing my identity and who I am?

It’s very hard as I do like to think that it’s actually my strength so I don’t want to change but I am quite aware of that perception about me as well . Maybe some sort of daily practice I can do to challenge my own mindset / style before responding or communicating?

I am not sure .. I am confused .. its not bothering me as such however its in my mind in terms of a challenge that how do I get better at learning those skills of communication.

MY ANSWER:

I'm sorry about this. I hear similar from so many women. 

You know, of course, that if you were a man "direct and tough" would be praise, not criticism. 😡   That said, I do have a tip that you can incorporate into your Leadership Daily Practice.  

When you think of who it is you have to engage each day in order to advance the key business outcomes for which you are responsible, think about standing on a platform of personal greatness that is your humanity. ESPECIALLY if you're talking with someone outside your team. And especially if their communication style isn't as direct and transactional as  yours.  

What I mean by this is to make a human connection during the interaction, in addition to "getting down to business."   

This DOES NOT mean having random discussions about the other person's kids or holiday plans (although there is definitely a time and place for that).  

It DOES mean saying things like:

✅ I agree with the point you just made. I hadn't thought of it quite like that.

✅ Before I respond, tell me a bit more about what you meant when you said...

✅ Your experience of X is so different from mine, thanks for letting me know.

✅ I'd like to be sure I understand what you've said before we proceed. Here's what I heard you say...

✅ Use Preparatory Language (see NCNW pp 183-185)  

These help you make that human connection, honor the greatness in the other person and slow down so the other doesn't feel run over.

Think of interactions as a pairing up, while also moving forward. And definitely think of it as complementing your Leadership Daily Practice, not a separate action. Keep it simple.  

Does this help?

HER RESPONSE:

When I was given a feedback one time about my style / personality.. indirectly .. I did ask my manager that do you think that person will say same thing if I was a male and he said probably not .. so yeah there are double standards everywhere .

But I will not give up and give it a go . Really appreciate your support!

Thank you ! 🙏🏻 

MY RESPONSE: